Patrycja’s Thoughts

The first question I’ve asked myself on the very beginning of the devising process of Fairy Tale was how should I approach the issue of playing a child whilst being a 30-year-old woman? One of my general rules in theatre is not to “pretend” just “be”. I found that a lot of performers make mistake with mixing these two terms, rather than finding the way to “become” a certain character they “act” (pretend). Although the border between these two words can seem fluid or blurred, for me they are completely different things. When one finds a way to “be” on the stage, that’s when the performance becomes believable, becomes true.

So how will I get to the stage of “becoming” a child, when the first thing the audience will see is my physicality – 170 cm height, quite large breasts, thin and a muscular legs – all together rather very feminine. I remember one of the rehearsals when I put on for the first time my costume – too big fake fur coat, and 3 sizes too big high-heels. Charlotte looked at me, she laughed and commented “You look like a man in drag” (not quite the comment I would like to hear, but hey!). But because my “performance sister” is a lot småçaller than me, we’ve decided that emphasising the difference between us would be an interesting idea. (To reduce the size of my breasts and to make them as small as possible I was going through an everyday procedure of bandaging them before every rehearsal).

The other layer of thinking, how to create a child within myself was a question how the child moves. I must admit I was struggling with it and it took quite a long time to find slightly a different way of running around. The number of times I’ve heard from TC and Charlotte that if I’m standing too straight, I look like an ostrich, that when I’m trying to make myself a bit smaller apparently I look like an old lady, that my walk is still too adult and generally I move too chaotically. These were the moments of despair when I was thinking “I’m not going to make it”.

And the last layer of process “how to be like a child” was programming my mind to think like a child. I found it especially interesting – digging in my memory trying to recall pictures from past. What would make me scared when I was small? What would make me laugh or cry? How long I would sustain playing with one toy? How would I negotiate to play with another kid? How imaginative was I? How inventive was I? Trying to re-find a sense of naivety.

One of most enjoyable moments was when TC and Charlotte set a long improvisation to let me just be in the rubbish tip on my own, just to enjoy the company of myself and all the objects around me. I adore these moments when as an actor you are allowed to play around certain rules and discover things, with no right or wrong, without being judged. I found myself switching off for a moment my grown up – logical thinking, somehow I lost the sense of time, I could animate things so they were alive- suddenly piece of rubber pipe became a snake, long plastic tube was a see-saw which I could swing with my invisible friend on etc.

After this particular improvisation I felt like I owned the space a bit more - a step forward, the most satisfying thing is to find a good dialogue with your stage partner. It’s not the first time I have worked with Lubos, we have known each other for years, and have witnessed all sorts of emotional states together so we understand each other’s everyday dynamics, and we share the same enthusiasm for the work we do, as well as moments of despair, being lost, empty-headed, losing direction, losing belief in yourself. And this level of understanding adds the great value to the work.

And when you find out - when you achieve a consciousness of how you look, move, think, what’s your relationship like with your stage partner, when the directors put all the pieces of the puzzle together in the right place, you know you are ready to confront the result of 5 weeks of work with the audience. And that’s when the different dimension of discovery begins.